When It Comes to Relationships.....

song that will be played on my dream wedding… acapella… 

“There’s the transcendent sense of tenderness you feel toward a person who sparks your interest. There’s the sublime feeling of relief and reward when that interest is returned. There are the flowers you buy and the poetry you write and the impulsive trip you make to the other side of the world just so you can spend 48 hours in the presence of a lover who’s far away.” —> Some people would ask cynically “Why ‘romance’ people when you can simply ‘love’ them? Such a hassle n nonsense” and I will ask them back “why season your food when you can simply eat it plain? why would you have guitar, violin, drum, piano, all played in harmony when you can simply sing and clap your hands?” nonsense? think again.. :)

1. Setting: a social event/ social places, you (a non-Francophone girl) is talking to a Francophone guy. You just met him, but having a nice conversation with him. (This kind of setting is very general, can happen all the time when you go out, kay?)

2. Try to say this “Btw, My french is not progressing at all… So unmotivated to learn, teach me some french words”

3. If he’s interested in you, Here comes the classic. They will say “Aah.. this is the important sentence you should know ‘Puis-je vous embrasser?’” —> THIS, basically means ‘may i kiss you’. I’ve met many people who say exactly the same thing and I’m sick of it. So, girls, this is the cheesiest pick up line ever.

4. How to response (some ideas, you can develop all u want ofcourse)

•  If you are NOT interested: you can say “what does that mean?”, he will tell you and you can say, “really? THAT is the important sentence I need to know? Hahaha.. do people here say that to other people? Too straightforward for my culture.. (and you can ask more about french social cultures and the differences with ur own being all nerdy plus geeky about it, then find a reason to leave) —> this is what I do
  
• If you ARE interested in the guy (or you’re in the mood of playing around with players who hit on girls with cheesy lines), you can try to repeat the sentence he just said, “Puis-je vous embrasser?’ what does that mean? how should I response to that?” He’d say “just say ‘oui’” and he will kiss you and you remain the “innocent” one —> not a suggested move, but you can keep this in mind in case the guy is really really really hot, for example he looks like Adam Levine mixed with Patrick Dempsey, he dances like Marc Anthony, he suits up, and works for a swiss bank (see? you are suggested to use this counter-classic only for extreme cases). Remember, in this extreme case (and ONLY in this extreme case), you are suggested to leave your phone number. Who’s stupid enough not to leave phone number for that kind of guy??
  

5. Remember guys who use this pick up line is either a loser or a player. It will show, really. So, in ordinary cases, I will suggest you to just do the first counter classic. In the extreme case (counter-classic #2), he’s definitely a player, so don’t involve your heart.

One day… I might hate it or love it… But I wanna make it there… Next life orientation… find opportunities to live there (at least 3-6 months if not more).

In my shoes: How long can you bear the pain?

Today I walked around the city of Geneva wearing my Joseph Azagury shoes I really love. After few hours of walking, my feet hurt. Like, really! So, when I finally got into a mall for grocery shopping, I couldn’t bear it anymore, I took it off, and walked around bare feet.

When it comes to relationships, BAD relationships, we are faced by the same dilemma: I really love this (shoes/man/ woman) but this hurts me so bad, should I (take it off/ break up with him/her), or should I just (keep wearing it/stick around) with the hope that (my feet/my heart) will adjust to the pain?

From what I experienced… walking bare feet was not that bad… at least my feet dont hurt anymore :)

Kwame

The interesting part also covers: If this is true that the feeling of Falling in Love is a biochemical effect, is “Falling out of Love” effects also bio-chemical? If so, will there be a “medication” to cure this? To trick your brain to stop being miserably producing the chemistry that makes you unable to move on? I have not had conducted proper readings on this, but I know a friend who got way better after she took medication while she was in a bad bad relationship situation. She got the courage to move on and she’s more than happy now.

But if Broken Heart is “cure-able” by the medication you can buy in Pharmacies… will there be less reason for people to value and preserve their relationships? Unfortunately it brings us back to the question.. Does the development of the science of Love mark the death of Romance?

This is so interesting how a love geek I turn myself into. 2 sides of a coin in regards to the science of Love. As a woman who loves Love and Romance, I am upset that the meaning of this complex and wonderful feeling of falling in love is reduced to a scientific explanation of bio-chemistry. However, the geeky side of me who love Science thinks that this incredibly interesting.

The first scientific premise that I talk about quite often.. The Major Histocompatibility  Complex.. It’s the pheromon, DNA related stuff that attracts and works the same way magnetic poles do, the more different, the stronger the attraction.

“The first study to indicate that chemical signals play a role in attraction was conducted by Claud Wedekind over a decade ago. Women sniffed the worn t-shirts of men and indicated which shirts smelled best to them. By comparing the DNA of the women and the men, researchers found that women didn’t just chose their favorite scent randomly. They preferred the scent of man whose major histocompatibility complex (MHC)—a series of genes involved in our immune system—was different from their own. Having a different MHC means less immune overlap and a better chance of healthy, robust offspring.”

Next, after the attraction, comes the ‘butterflies’. People experience different ‘symptoms’ when they are in love..butterflies in your tummy, your heart beats faster, weak knees, my self? I become clumsier more and more.. i drop things, I spill stuff, and I overblushed and looking like a boiled crab. This “intangible feeling” of falling in love produces “Tangible Physical Output”. Why?

"The available data indicate that romantic love feelings commence
in the region of the lower brain that is known as the hypothalamus. The
hypothalamus is composed of a dense cluster of nerves which controls
hundreds of bodily functions and impacts in a large host of ways the
entire nervous system. Whenever a person subjectively perceives another
human being as romantically appealing a portion of the hypothalamus
transmits a message by way of various chemicals to the pituitary gland.
And in turn the pituatary releases a host of its own hormones which
rapidly suffuse the entire bloodstream. The sex glands respond to these
hormones by rapidly releasing into the bloodstream their own hormones
which have the effect, even among preadolescent children, of creating a more
rapid heartbeat and a feeling of lightness in the head. Simultaneously
the nerve pathways in and around the hypothalamus produce chemicals
that induce-provided that these chemicals continued to be produced over
a long period of time-what people refer to as "falling in love"."

What is the impact of these findings? Apparently, these might help people to track their matches. For instance there are some online dating sites that provide DNA calculation features. I am not surprised if these researches were initiated by a lonely scientist who really needs to get laid, like Wolowitz (except that he’s an engineer), or an extreme scientist who believe that social aspects of dating dont worth his precious scientific life and chose calculation approach to his mating needs, someone like Sheldon Cooper, probably. (jeez, these kind of people are real, we’re fucked)

So, Love, that used to be an exogenous factor… given from heaven.. is now just endogenous stuff created by what is so called brain (I use these economics terms to honor my upcoming exam). Dead end. No more romance.

As far as I believe these scientific measures, No, i still believe that it is not the demise of romance, yet. When it comes to relationship, it is not just about meeting the perfect Mate, it is also about how to keep it intact. How to keep the harmony. And that’s when romance plays its role.. to trick the brain to keep producing that bio-chemical effect… over and over again…

Moving out and in

First of all, let me announce that I moved to a new apartment 2 days a go and lovin it. It’s in the downtown side of Geneva, a block away from the city center, few meters away from gucci, max mara, loubutin, LV, and the fact that I cannot afford them (yet) makes me hate walking from the bus stop, haha.

But before I am able to sit by my balcony sipping coffee and writing this entry like what I am doing now, there were series of painful processes of moving out and moving in. Since 2 months a go, I’ve moved around from Jakarta-Bali-all the way to Vermont-and to Rive just few days ago. I am still having a back ache from carrying heavy stuff, I carried averagely 20-25 kgs of stuff in one go, for several times. Vermont-Rive-Ikea-Rive-Vermont-Rive. Is it worth it? Yes it is.

It would be easier just to stay in my old room in Vermont, no packing, no carrying craps across the town by public bus, no money spending. But I made the decision to move out anyway to seek a better quality of life. And once again I can tell that it is worth it.

Moving on

But when it comes to moving on from your broken relationship, will it be as worth it? Carrying heavy memories in your heart while walking away from the past, I can guarantee, is surely more torturing than broken veins you get on your shoulder from carrying room partition or carton boxes full of stuff. Especially when you don’t know yet where to go.. “I was kicked out of my old room yet I have not found new room to stay, I am a Nomad.. I am a Gipsy”

It is not necessarily a bad thing to be “a Nomad, a Gipsy”, being able to sleep under the stars and to dance in the rain, to feel the morning dew, are things some people would kill for. It’s not easy. But we should enjoy while seeking for the new room to stay, right? And when we find the perfect house to move to, everything will be okay and we will see that moving out from your  old room is the right decision to make,

or will we?

Remember when you’re single, you can go here and there do what you like or what you don’t like, up to you. You have the freedom to decide how you want to feel and you own the key to your own happiness. But in exchange to be in a relationship, should we sacrifice our emotional independence?

I used to think we should. Thinking and missing your boyfriend are part of it. Wondering what they do, worrying why he is not calling you, if something bad happened, etc, are also necessary in order to show that you care. Your partner should be able to affect your mood, and vice versa. It shows how your other half means something for you and affects your life in ways possible. Things that happens to someone you love, affects you as much as it affects him or her.

Without this, I thought, relationship means nothing. You are just two people who see each other regularly, have sex (or whatever your choice is), and emotionally unattached to each other. “How my partner is doing, doesn’t affect me. I don’t give a fuck and it won’t ruin my day, I am happy when I want to, I have the full control about myself and mood.” How horrible that is? Or is it really ‘horrible’?

When you voluntarily give away your emotional independence to avoid the ‘horrible’ things I mentioned above, the question about reciprocity arises. Am I the only one who cares? Am I the only one who spends hours not having mood to have fun because I am missing my boyfriend while probably he is having fun with his folks not thinking about me? What if in fact I am? Do I have the rights to be upset? Or is it my own fault that I let him affect my life and mood so much? Which one is more ‘horrible’ now?

I am not writing to give an answer to any of these questions. I was a hard core cheerleader of romance who thought that being emotionally dependent was one effective way to keep your relationship intact. People would say that it shows how I didn’t have a life. I would tell them I do; my love and loved ones are my life.

But now when I doubt the reciprocity, should I take the U turn and go the other way around? Is it worthy to feel guilty if I want to pursue the life outside my love life? Or should I just keep giving away my emotional control faithfully as the evidence of my love and how I want to share every single thing, including my emotion, to someone I love? Keep giving without any expectation of taking?